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I was feeling rather meepserable one night - it was that time of the month.
And the weather was bad outside, so ...
But maybe we better start at the beginning *o*
Eh ... no - unfortunately the word pocket in the story title doesnīt mean, that this tale
is short and to the point ... You didnīt read the name of the owner of this web site, eh? It said MEEPS MAGPIE! ...
that means looong and meandering *O*
Anyway - my T.V. set went totally dead one day a while ago. So I contacted a repair shop (Fona to the Danes *o* ) And sure,
they could fix it. And - as usually with that firm - I could lend another T.V. set while they repaired mine *O*
So all
that should be fine and dandy - but ...
The borrowed set turned out to only be able to receive about half of the channels
I normally get from the cable T.V: company. And there is absolutely no access to my VCR - so I wasnīt able to see one candy-movie
(movies with Johnny in -o* ) for SIX WEEKS !!!
To top that I didnīt feel all that well this evening - that time of the
month, as I clucked above. So - feeling ill and bored - I asked my imagination, if she would be a sweet puss and purr me a
story or two?
She had a date with the sleek black tomcat next door - by the name of Hansen -o* - and was in a hurry to
get out to him and meow about making kittens and all such nice things ...
But with her front paws already out the cat
flap, she turned her head and meowed: "You could call for your imaginary Johnny - he is better at both story telling and purring
than I am"
She is a great fan of my imaginary Johnny -o* His lap is her favourite place for relaxing, purring and that
kind of nice feline things *O*
So I did - bawled: "Johneeeeeeeeee !!! in the
hope, that he had a pocket, I could curl up and be meepserable in ...
Oh, sorry - did that yowl break your wine glass
...
I have some plastic mug somewhere ... And donīt worry *o* Imaginary wine doesnīt stain your clothes -O*
Well, back
to the story *o*
To my great amazement the real Johnny Depp answered my call. I found out later, my own imaginary Johnny
had been busy changing clothes -o*
The real life Mr. Depp was discussing a rose bush which his wife Mademoiselle Paradis
wanted moved in the garden. And Johnny didnīt much want to have to do the actually work moving it, I could hear -o*
But
he did look a moment over at me and then said with a smile: "Oh, yes, a pocket, Meeps - sure, honī" And then took me by the
back of my neck with two fingers and lifted me up into his coat pocket.
And then continued discussing gardening - and
started to give in, as far as I managed to hear before disappearing down his left coat pocket.
Oh - ehm - if you wonder,
how Johnny Depp was able to lift a grown-up woman - probably weighing at least 20 kilos more than he does - with two fingers
...
Well, all I can say is;
One: this is a daydream, people, so "anything goes" *O*
Two: he has become a big star
during the years after all. Just go and read the stuff on all the different Johnny Depp-news boards -o*
What ever the correct
explanation is I slipped down the smooth inner lining of the pocket. But instead of getting to rest warm and comfortable in
a nicely dark place as I had expected, I shot out into glaring sun light and fell about two feet down on a large pile of coarse
white cloth.
I lay stunned for a moment and looked up at the flapping white sail above me. Then I noticed something black
at top - with white crossed bones and a grinning scull ...
Jolly Roger ??? And I were laying on folded up sails, it seems.
I lifted my head and looked straight at Brad Pitt scowling at me under a huge white wig looking like something the French
Sun King might have been proud to wear ...
Amazed I sat up and stared back. At a pirate ship - and pirates.
Then Mr.
Pitt said in a angry tone: "Where the Hell did you spring from! And a woman in trousers - absolutely shocking !! Gun !!! Ben
Gun for crying out loud !!!!!! COME HERE, you landlubber !!!!!!!!! Throw her in the sea to the sharks!"
Bob Hoskins
came over to Pitt and asked in a worried tone "But, captain - couldnīt we just take her to Kingīs Port and leave her there?"
But Pitt answered - sounding rather hysterical "Sheīs a witch! I wonīt have her here!! Then he continued in a more calm,
but somewhat malicious tone "Ah, Silver! You can do it - get rid of her!! You always seem to have a way with females"
"Well,
perhaps I have" a well known - beloved - voice purred beside my ear. And two strong heads grabbed beneath my arm pits and
got me on my feet. "Come along, girlie - up you go!" Johnny said in my ear.
Then he continued louder "Sure, Captain Flint.
But I think I better take her below in the galley and torture her a bit before I feed her to the sharks - maybe she is a French
or even Spanish spy beside being a witch"
And before more could be said, he marched me past a scowling Pitt - Flint, I
mean -o* - and a beaming Hoskins/Gun and towards a ladder going down into the interior of the ship.
"Torture me - Johnny
!?!" I thought. And had to hold both my hands over my mouth so as not to giggle out loud.
Then my brain finally connected
the pieces - Flint + Gun + pirates = long John Silver ... Yikes? I hurried to look down - nope! There were luckily two
- very shapely - legs in white stockings and black shoes with silver buckles walking beside mine *O*
... very well shaped
legs indeed! So I took another appreciative look -o*
Down below Johnny - I mean long John Silver - invited me to sit on
a barrel in a small kitchen. And then asked me again - but this time politely - who I was and where I came from while offering
me some tea *o*
I tried to explained - also tried to tell him about Robert Louis Stevenson and "Treasure Island"
My
sweet version of Long John here just shook his head and said "Well - donīt believe all you read. Some of that is true - but
as you can see, I have both my legs - and Ben Gun and Pew is upstairs - neither marooned nor blind! ... and I am not called
Long John. Not even Silver much - Most people call me Jack Barbeque"
I must admit - chicken that I am - I didnīt have
the heart to tell him, that all the bad stuff might still happen.
And before we could say any thing else a young boy came
running and said breathless "Barbeque! The captain wants you on deck! Those natives, we visited last week is here in force"
So we climbed up the ladder again. And true enough. Six or seven native warriors - wearing colourful parrots feathers
and not much more - and two women - one young and one old - stood on the deck. And more natives waited in the water in big
canoes.
"They want you, Silver" Captain Flint smirked "Princess Atsia" here he indicated the younger of the women "says,
you are suppose to marry her, because you helped her build the barbeque pit last week. Some native costume, it seems"
Jack
looked from Flint to the natives and back again. And I could see, Stevenson had got something right. There was no love lost
between Silver and Captain Flint.
Then Jack started arguing with the princess in her own language.
But Flint quickly
lost patient with the whole thing and ordered his men to row Jack into a small island near by, so he could continued his discussion
with the natives there.
At the last moment Jack grabbed me by the arm and said "Hurry, Meeps - you have to choose quickly
- is it going to be the sharks or me!" Well, you can guess my answer -O*
So there we were on a long, broad beach. In an
beautiful tropical setting.
The princess and her parents and brothers were trying to persuade Jack, he really HAD TO marry
the princess.
I sat on the warm sand and enjoyed the scenery and worrying a bit about Jack - but I thought: "He can charm
himself out of anything *o* Behind me the rest of the natives started to prepare a feast - a wedding feast perhaps?
Then
all of a sudden a shot boomed out over the still waters. Flintīs ship had fired one of her guns off. The ball splashed innocently
into the sea, but Jack look out toward the ship and said "If that is Ben - heīll hit us with the third shot. He donīt want
to hit us ... But he is scared enough of Flint to not dare keep missing us. And it usually takes three shots for him to hone
in on such a small target as us here"
In a moment a second shot got fired off. And this time it hit one of the canoes
at the water edge. Smashing it into smithereens ... That did it for the natives, who grabbed all their belongings - such as
they were - and ran straight into the jungle.
I ran a few steps with them - but then suddenly realised, that I could hear
Jack yelling down at the water edge "You inbred yellow cur of a poxy, flea ridden ... (here he had to draw breath) bovine
good-for-nothing stupid miserable three legged mutt !!!" And more of the same hot - and rather impolite, I guess - nature
...
I ran back and grabbed a hold of his arm - yelling "Canīt you count, you silly wee fool! You said three shots yourself
!!!" Jack turned his head and started to said something - but then Ben let the gun go off for the third time.
And I could
just read Jackīs lips; "I love you, Meeps" before we blew up ....
.........
.......
.....
Donīt try this at home, kiddies ...
I slowly became award that my behind sat on a hard chair. So I opened my eyes and looked around. John .. Jack -o* - was
beside me. But was he dead ...
No, he was breathing *O*
We were in a small office somewhere - no other people around
...
But didnīt we die a moment ago?
An elderly computer stood humming quietly by itself on a side table. So I got up
and went over to have a look at it.
"Welcome to Hell!" the front page said "If you are planning to come visit with us
after you are dead, register now and have less trouble later"
Wow ... Everybody - and I do mean everybody is on
the Web now a days. I was just about to see, if Heaven had more on its own web page too, when Jack moaned and opened his eyes.
"Whe-where are we - what the He.. ha-happened?" he asked with a very thick voice. So I purred him a cup of the awful coffee
from the office coffee machine and offered him. Then sat down beside him and tried to explain.
Also to explain the fact,
that we were apparently in 2001 - the calendar on the wall at least said so ... Maybe, I suggested, it took that long to get
the pieces put together again and all the red tape sorted out ...
Jack shuddered at that thought. And frankly - so did
I.
But just as Jack had suggested, we should go out and explore a bit - maybe find a way out, if we could - I suddenly
noticed a somewhat shaking red tail sticking out from behind a closet over in the corner.
So I got up again and went over
to have a look.
A red devil in an expensive looking suit cringed back, when he saw me. "Plea-please!" he stuttered. Apparently
humans have become so wicked and evil over the years, that they were scaring the devils now ... Then my sweet Jack came over
to us and knelt down in front of the scared 'fiend'
And between his charm and me making some better coffee, we managed
to get Azmodeus Appleby esq. - red civil servant - erm - devil of the third degree - up in his swivel chair. And after half
a cup of "damn good coffee" - his word, not mine -o* - he tried to explain why he was so scared.
It turned out Hell had
a back door - it of course has several - but this one was under The Tower Of London.
And earlier that day some tourist
had gotten lost in the cellar of said national monument and ended up in Hell. Even though the devils had put a sign on the
door clearly saying:
No trespassing allowed pass this point !!!
The tourists - as usually with that breed of humans - didnīt think that sign applied to them. Must be for some other guy
right -o*
But - the Japanese tourists didnīt for one moment believe, that the well dressed Azmodeus were The Dark Prince
of Demons. No way - they claimed, he was not half as scary as he should be! But they would like to have their picture taken
with him just the same, please *o* He being the first Englishman they had seen in formal clothes - looking like their idea
of an Englishman should *O*
The German guys on the other hand did believe, he was a devil - but would he mind then to give
them some economical advice. Stock market tips and that sort of things. Because the devil had created money, hasnīt he?
Where
as the American couple couldnīt believe, the devil had created money. If such God fearing people as themselves - and the Germans
of course - were that good at earning said wealth, it could of course not be the devilīs creation, could it?
Here they
conveniently forgot, that the Japanese are most probably even better at earning money. And the Japanese were apparently too
polite to remind them -o*
But the male half of the American couple would like to know, why the devil had created women?
Also forgetting, that if it wasnīt for that half of the human race - plus the other half, of course - none of the humans would
stand there tormenting the poor little devil with all their questions and demands ...
And here Azmodeus finally hid behind
the closet and wouldnīt come out again.
My darling Jack thought for a moment after hearing that story, and then said:
"Do you use that back door much?"
"No" Azmodeus answered "After Tower turned into a museum we have hardly any business
in that area. And we of course still have the much large entrance under Parliament - where there still is something going
on ..."
"Then why not just brick it up - Iīll help you" My sweet offered "I could use some exercise right about now" And
so they did - getting some other minor officials in the English Department to help - and got the entrance closed in no time
flat.
We were just enjoying a good beer afterwards in one of Hellīs many pubs near by when a whistle blew. Jack and I
looked up, but Azmodeus calmly shrugged and said: "It is just the shift. All the little she-devils is back from a nightīs
work in the little alleys and back ways of old London"
But when said she-devils arrived at the pub for a quiet after-work
drink and saw my embarrassed, slightly frightened honey you can guess the screaming and commotion, they started - she-devils
being females first and devils second of course - when they thought, they spied "Johnny Depp" in their favourite watering
hole.
"I want to get OUT of here - and now !!! Johnny whispered to me.
So I hurried up and asked Azmodeus for
another back door. Preferably to an isolated place, where we could slip away quietly. Very willing to help such nice humans
he took us out of the pub and followed us to ...
The Ninth Gate of Hell -O*
Where we emerged right in front of the
film crew, who was just about ready to film Dean Corso entering the castle. Johnny Depp stared at us with his mouth hanging
open for a moment - then a huge beautiful smile spread itself across his face.
And though I hurried to drag the equally
amazed Jack away down the hill, I did manage to see Johnny waving "goodbye" to us grinning from ear to ear - I swear, that
man is a closet romantic!
After two or three scares - until Jack got somewhat use to cars speeding past us - we entered
a small French town, where Jack really showed his talent for wheeling and dealing.
It turned out, he spoke some - albeit
old fashioned - French after having been a smuggler on the Channel in his younger days.
And so he proceeded to sell his
gold cuff links, silver shoe buckles and some jewels, he had hidden in the lining of his coat to different old French people
- charming them all in to giving him a much higher prize, than they would normally have done, I am sure -O*
With this
new found wealth we boarded a train - although Jack was sure, it was some terrifying beast at first. And drove north to green
old England. Jack wanted to see Bristol again *o*
Here we live now - above our own pub The Spyglass *O*
And now I can
hear my darling Jack Babycute - erm, Barbeque ringing the bell and calling the last round. After which we will go upstairs
and talk about making kittens - erm - babies and other nice things. And then we ... oh, shoot!!!
... the bell was my alarm
clock telling me, my dinner was ready...
O.K. So my T.V. was still on the blink - and I still had my period - but at least
I found me a pirate treasure in my day dream *O*
.... does anybody have more wine though? My throat feels like the beach
after all that story-telling *o*
Sorry - I meant;
THE END
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No pirates, natives or devils - not even tourists - were harmed during the production of this story. Some Japanese, American
or German feelings might have been hurt - and for that I apologize ...
Polansky were rather dissatisfied with us for
almost ruining his shot, I have heard - but the real Johnny Depp charmed him into believing, it just confirmed, there really
is a Ninth Gate leading into Hell so in the end he was happy too -o*
..... not even the rosebush got harmed - since same
Johnny persuaded his charming wife into hiring a professional gardener to help moving it properly
---------------------------
This production was sponsored by the Devils Unionīs British section.
... and Mr. Johnny Depp, actor.
Johnny too,
since I happened to grab a hold of a crumbled up one dollar bill, why falling through the hole at the bottom of Johnnyīs pocket
*o*
But if Mr. Depp wants it back, he can just say so though - and Iīll even ironing it out for him first
Meeps "Silver" Magpie
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