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Vickisburg Gazette is always first with the latest. Read all about it !!!
AMERICAN ACTOR
JOHNNY DEPP
ABDUCTED BY ALIEN
READ
EXCLUSIVE BACKGROUND INFORMATION HERE
Love sick female alien Tussy MacGuffin tells yours truly Meepsie Razzie
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but ... The sad background story about last night commotion outside Paris restaurant
Chez Mavis
"I didnīt want to harm anybody" says the red headed female alien with a sad smile "I just didnīt think
- I didnīt want to hurt his girl or ... I didnīt even know she was there! She didnīt arrive with Depp and his friends earlier
on ... I just wanted to borrow him for a little while, now I had finally saved enough money for a Transmogoof LAE 2000 ...
I just love his looks - his talent - his mouth - his ... the whole gorgeous Johnny Depp. And just so much wanted a copy of
him - to spoil a bit" she sighs
Last night around ten oīclock Depp, his common law wife Vanessa Paradis and two male friends
left the famous Parisī restaurant Chez Mavis in order to go along the bank of the Seine towards Deppīs car. Suddenly a black
shadow swooped down on top of them from a nearby roof. Swerved a bit to avoid a chestnut treeīs branches and accidentally
knock one of Deppīs friends over, so he fell and hit his head on a parked car
We are happy here to rapport that nothing
happened to the man except for a slight headache and a bump on the head
The shadow flung a lasso around the unsuspecting
Depp and started carrying him off into the night. Paradis was the only one quick enough to react. She ran forward and grabbed
a hold of Deppī left leg as he rose up into the air. But Depp immediately yelled, she should let go - not risk her life too.
And when her own feet were about a yard above the ground she did let go and sat on the pavement - sobbing and yelling - and
shaking her fist after the abductor
People stood back wondering what had really happened
Some said it must be some sort
of a military operation. Perhaps engineered by Osama Bin Laden - or even American president George W. Bush - getting a revenge
for Deppīs suggestion recently about how to manage the war in Afghanistan
One elderly homeless man claimed it was an angel
swooping down to reclaim Depp for Heaven. The actor had apparently just given the old geezer a substantional sum of cash
One
witty paparazzi photographer giggled, it was an alien bounty hunter finally catching up with Depp who was wanted by the Intergalactic
police for having sto ... borrowed five gallons of water from the Fountain of Eternal Youth on his home planet Adonis
Very
early though this morning the journalists and paparazzo’s camping on Depp and Paradisīs doorstep got a minor shock when
a soft voice asked them "Does anything interesting happen here?" They turned and there was Johnny Depp. A bit tired and rumbled
looking. Smoking his eternal cig and taking a sip of a bottle of beer. They of course attacked him with questions he of course
wouldnīt answer
He just told them, he was fine - and would they please let him pass, so he could get in and see his family?
We here at Vickisburg Gazette are the only ones who can tell the sad story behind the whole sorry episode. Tell them with
the words of the five foot six female alien who abducted the American heart throb Johnny Depp here in Paris last night
Tussy
explains;
”I just love his looks - his talent - his mouth - his ... the whole gorgeous Johnny Depp. And just so much
wanted a copy of him - to spoil a bit" Tussy says taking a reflective sip of her coke at the local McDonaldīs. "I didnīt think,
that he would get so angry - and scared - and yelling all kind of things at me, when we finally arrived back at my space trunk"
Then Johnny noticed my wings - and noticed I was removing them. And that I am just basically a girl underneath the harness,
which operated the wings and enabled me to fly
That calmed him down considerably
"Why the Hell did you do that for?"
he asked. And could I please - at once - get him back to his baby - his girl - his mother - in that order. He still sounding
angry. But was speaking in a much more civil tone none the less. So I explained that now I had finally got money enough together
for a Transmogoof LAE* - and believe me, that is not so easy as it sounds with the money a female space truck driver earns.
Itīs a manīs world out there ... And I just wanted to make a itzy-bitzy copy of him - if he didnīt mind? That I hadnīt expected
his wife to be there and was very sorry that I scared her. And I was also sorry if his friend might have got hurt …
"Oh,
Peter has a thick head - and I heard him swear as you flew off, so I think that part of it will be alright" Johnny said with
a little smile. Then he frowned and continued "Why do you want a copy of me !?! I should think one of me would be more
than enough!" So I explained about being rather infatuated with him - and being lonely as a space truck driver. Having such
a wonderful human being as himself around for company would be - well, wonderful. So if he would please enter the Transmogoof.
It would only take a moment - and not hurt a bit - at most it would tickle a little bit"
Johnny didnīt like the idea.
He thought I was a sweet, nice girl, who should go out and find me a normal boyfriend somewhere instead of running around
sighing after a false image dreamed up by public relation persons. I asked him what he meant by "false image dreamed up" And
he claimed he was an awful, self centred, obnoxious person nobody should be associated with and that I would regret it if
I got a copy of him!
Here I couldnīt help asking, if an awful person would care whether or not I would live to regret
it? And care about Vanessa when she tried to save him back at the river bank ! ? ! A moment Johnny looked rather angry having
been found out, so to speak. And then he smiled the sweetest shy smile I have ever seen and asked gently "O.k. Tussy, where
is that thingy, you want me to step into?”
Then he added - frowning a bit again - "But I still think, you are going
to regret this somehow ...
And so I did … But not in the way I think Johnny was thinking of
The copy also wanted
to go home to Vanessa Paradise. And to Lily Rose. And Mrs Betty Sue .... And the two Johnnies got into a loud argument about
who should go back and who should stay with me - the copy claiming, that the original already had had his turn. Suddenly I
screamed as loud as I could in frustration - nobody wanted to be with me!
Both men turned towards me. But before anybody
could say anything more the copy disappeared with a dainty "pooff!" scaring both me and the original. "What the He ..." Johnny
mumbled staring at the spot where his double had stood a moment ago. And I swore something in Slaqmosian {my ex is from the
planet of Slaqmos} and explain that the Transmogoof was a elderly model, I had bought used - and that that quite clearly made
for unstable copies
Johnny was sweet enough to feel sorry for me. But would still like to go home again. And since I wasnīt
going to force neither him nor any copy of him to stay and keep the loneliness from the my front door he would have to go.
... although while I went around finding an extra pair of wing he could borrow and fly home in he showed so much curiosity
about my space truck - and had more questions than I could answer - that my heart wept ...
Why couldn't he stay and talk
and kiss and hug and - and ... SNIFF !!!
But he couldnīt! So I donned my wings again. And helped Johnny into the extra
pair - he was surprisingly quick at learning how to operate them so maybe he is an angel in disguise after all ...
We landed
a bit later in a deserted park near Johnnyīs Paris home just as the sun was rising in the East. And I helped him out of his
harness again. Suddenly he turned a bit and kissed me gently on the mouth and then held up a finger saying very seriously
"Go and make some bloke a very happy guy, Tussy! Please ..."" And then Johnny Depp left in the red morning light to make Vanessa
a very happy women
... it was sweet of Johnny to say I should find a boyfriend - but what shall a poor alien do when all
she want is Johnny Depp …”
Generally a sad story we think here at your trusty newspaper. But with a sort
of happy end after all. Halfway happy ... Depp is home where he wants to be
And Tussy MacGuffin - a sadder, but wiser
alien - is off to the Navel with a load of frozen turkeys to deliver at the restaurant Deppīs Delight [yes, another fan -
Depp is known all over *O* ] before the Earth police can start investigate. She is quite sure, she says, that Depp wonīt tell
anything. But maybe somebody else might have noticed a strange looking truck parked outside the Gare Du Nord railway station
this night ... Sporting Venus plates - # JCD 113/69
***** Meepsie Razzie. Paris. April 7. 2002.
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