How do you do, my faithful few - or many? Hopefully many *o*
Because I have fried a lot of fish today - and made chips too -o* ... boy, do the kitchen need to have its windows opened now ... He *o* But please sit down and dig in *O*
Now Johnny, Yasmina and I were on our way out of the cave pass the corpse of Speem, right ?? Yes *o*
When we got out of the cave we were standing on a gentle slope leading down into a arid valley. A couple of hours of walk away we could see a small village. Or perhaps a ghost town ... Though - maybe even ghosts would not like to live so close to a black dragon´s lair ...
Actually what we could see was just a row of wooden houses on both side of the road with a dried up river bed running behind the houses to the left.
"This has an American feel to it" I said to Johnny pointing down at the town.
"Yes" he answered "If the surroundings were a bit greener I could almost believe it to be Endora ... But since everything looks so dry I think it is just "Dreary Ville, USA" The hometown for many a western movie ..."
Which didn´t sound that encouraging .... My chicken-feathers are not bullet proofed. And neither is Johnny. ... I don´t know about djinns but I didn´t want to run the risk and try it out in practice.
Still - we might meet people down there who could tell us where we were. And maybe - hopefully - even how we could get home to our own little cottage in the wood. Which I missed more and more as my feet got sore ...
Hi? That rhymed *o*
... but it was still a very hot and bothersome walk down to "Dreary Ville". And ... I think it down right INCONSIDERATE of Speem not to have ... pinched -o* .. a push chair for the child! You try to get a lovely but also very spoiled little three year old to walk ... Never mind that she would happily run around and play just as long a distance. But actually walk - just because the grown-ups want you to - NO WAY !!!
O.K. - she was also much more use to flying on magical carpets and driving in expensive cars, so our poor woman approach to travelling didn´t meet with her approval. And believe you me ... The child won the battle.
My big hearted softie of a boyfriend sighed and picked the little pouting (looking very much like himself while pouting, by the way -o*) cutie up. Smiled sheepishly at me and started to entertain the child - and me - by telling a long story about the little princess Yasmina out with her pet pussilainious * experiencing all kinds of exiting adventures.
And I shrugged and helped - with the story and the carrying - at least our little "princess" didn´t bawl that way -o*
After a while my big cutie pie started to get a bit restless though. Kept taking his lonely, rather miserable looking cigarette out of his breast pocket and then putting it back. Clearly both wanting to smoke it and keep it for later.
After looking at that a little while I tried a bit of humour and said "I think you should give that cigarette to me"
Johnny looked very surprised at me and said "But you don´t smoke - at all ..." I couldn´t help giggling at his surprise, but then said - as serious as I could manage "No. But you are making me nervous, boy - so I need a bit of soothing smoke -O* "
... Johnny walked on for a moment. Then mumbled something sounding very much like "Cheeky chicken!"
After that true statement my darling with a huge smile stuck his tongue out at me though, produced the poor fag and lit it grinning "Nope! it´s mine !!! ... but I can blow a bit of smoke in your face if that can help -o* "
To which I answered politely "No thank you" - with an equally broad smile *O*
Finally we entered the north end of the town. But just as we did we heard a roaring sound approach from the south accompanied by a big cloud of dust. "Big dragon?" Yasmina asked looking a bit scared "No, darling" I said picking her up again "At least I don´t think so ..." I continued. Trying to be honest to the child
"Nope!" Johnny said firmly "It is Harley Davidson bikes - and other old engines ... And lots of .. them ..... Hell Angels perhaps? I think we better hide somewhere, girls!!!"
And since I couldn´t agree more we hurried up and duck into a rather narrow alley leading out to the bank of the dry river bed behind the houses. We manage to get out of sight just as more than a hundred big machines roared down the main street (and the only street) and stopped outside a grocery store - called Freddy Krueger and Sons - who seemed to be still in business.
Just as the first machine stopped the owner of the shop - a slim dark haired man in a red and green striped sweater - came out and greeted them in high spirits.
"Great!!" Johnny said "Do you dare go and ask those guys for direction, baby girlie?"
And since I didn´t I suggested we should try and go around the little town - perhaps hiding in the dry river - and head for a lake far to the south I had seen from the entrance of Speem´s cave. Johnny nodded.
But when we turned to go we looked straight at what looked to me like nine feet of man dressed like - well - like Clint Eastwood in one of his earlier western movies ... The melodramatic son of a ... vampire even had "peacemakers" in holsters around his hips, for crying out ...
Finally the sight of the huge pointed canines penetrated my thick scull and registered. Vampire? VAMPIRE !?!
"Howdy, Ma´am - Sir. That´s a cute little tot you have there on your shoulders, Ma´am. How much?" the vampire drawled.
It clearly took a moment for Johnny to understand what the man meant. And apparently my very sweet little hothead hadn´t notice the teeth - or the height and apparent strength of the 'man' ... or just the "peacemakers"!
Because he got mad and exploded "What the Hell do you mean by that!?! Do you really think we would sell a little child!! What kind of lousy sick people do you take us for ..."
Before he could make it any worse - if possible - I yanked his robe at the back. Our silent code for "Could you shut up, please, sweetie?" and said - in what I hope was a very polite and respectful tone of voice - "Sorry, Sir. He means ... we can´t do that. We are just on our way to the count to deliver his purchase. ... and I am not sure he would accept it if we give her up to you. Do you? But if you´ll give us your name we will tell count Dracula of your interest and maybe he´ll agree to share this delicious little titbit ..."
"You - you mean ... The Count ... Count Vlad Dracul ... Dracula himself" To my great amusement - and amazement - the vampire apparently fell for my little trick. So I nodded solemnly and started to manoeuvre Johnny around him. I thought we had gotten away with it.
But then a young girl´s voice giggled behind me "Uncle Vlad is in Japan. He is nowhere near here, Sergio. It is just Meeps Magpie thinking she is; oh, so smart ... But it is a cute boy you have with you, witch. Wanna sell him? If his blood is as sweet as his looks he would be sweeter to drink than - than hot chocolate with whipped cream"
... yes, of course!! The Count´s spoiled teenage niece Elisabeta HAD TO hang out with these bikers - vampires? ... wonder if her adoring uncle knew what company she kept when he was far away? In Japan? And of course she had to come by and recognize me at the worst possible moment. Uh, I could kick her in her lily white narrow little ... from here and to uncle Vlad !!
A lanky pimpled male vampire suggested they could feast on us all three. And Johnny and I looked at each other not knowing what to do next.
Then Johnny slowly put the bundle of clothes he had been carrying on the ground. After that he reached up and took Yasmina down off my shoulders and placed her on the ground too, before he said with a sad smile "Well ... Thank you very much for the - a-hm - compliment, Ms. But ..." Here he bend and picked up the bundle of clothes again and I for a moment wondered uneasily if my brave sweetie really had given up.
But suddenly Johnny threw the blankets and shawls he was holding at the very tall vampire and yelled as loud as he could "Catch !!" And the vampire tried - involuntarily - to do so. Getting too confused to leap forward and catch a hold on any of us *O*
Johnny quickly grabbed Yasmina and hoisted her up under his arm and grabbed a solid hold in me with his free hand and pushed me forward whispered urgently "Run, darling"
I thought it was hopeless - especially when you think how bad I am at running - but I could find nothing better to do. So I at least tried to run. And then I saw what I think Johnny had heard earlier
The glorious sight of Tussy MacGuffin´s space truck descending and landing in front of us. Albeit on the other side of the dry riverbed. Boy, was that a sight for sore eyes *O*
We scrambled, slipped, slid down at the bottom of the gulch and then climbed up the other side. I thought we would never make it. But Johnny can be rather strong when need be and helped Yasmina and this slow moving Dane all he could.
... even dragged said fat Dane over the top of the bank.
Tussy at first leaned out the window of her truck and yelled "Hi, what are you two doing here? And where is here anywhere? I am kind of lost? It´s a cute kid you have there *o* Yours, Johnny? Eh - sorry - didn´t mean to offend anybody ..."
By this time she was coming over and helping us up the last part of the small slope while still talking - that Tussy for you -o* "Hi, why are those people over there so ma ... they are mad at you??? And that one at the back is turning into a bat - how extraordinary ... They are vampires?"
Johnny could hardly talk for lack of breath. But did manage to gasp "Could you get your butt in the truck and start to take off, woman!?! ... then we´ll - try to - explain later ..."
And in the nick of time ( - eh, no, Walken, you are not on before the next chapter -O* ) Tussy did so *o* And we flew off to the south followed by - but soon out flying - the angry vampire bats.
After getting our breath back we told Tussy what had happened. And with the help of her maps I managed to find out where we had been. The town were called Leone ...
Tussy was on her way to Avalon with a load of dried spider´s webs and canned moon beams and had flown a bit too much to the north. So we plotted the correct course in and let the automatic pilot take care of the rest. Which gave us time to relax, talk and get a bit to eat.
And to Johnny´s great happiness - and my secret relief - Tussy even had some cigarettes for him -o*
But after having eaten some Johnny looked up at us both with an embarrassed look on his lovely face and said "Eh ... Tussy, you - erm ... Meeps told me about your problem* - in Paris, I mean. I hope it´s - eh - O.K. ?"
I smiled behind my hand. Tussy had been giving an interview to me which I had published in Vickisburg Gazette so by now the whole world knew. Or at least several people *o* And Tussy of course nodded and told him it was quite alright. She wanted people to find out that what she had done there hadn´t been so great an idea.
"Nooo ..." Johnny continued and looked even more embarrassed "But I might have a solution for you - I actually have two ..." As you can imagine Tussy were all ears at hearing that *o*
I mean - she was very eager to hear ...
Because she was of course also hair, eyes, nose, cheeks - chin - mouth ... Oh, shut up, Meeps, and tell the story -o* Or let Johnny explained his ideas.
"For one thing" he said "You could go to the Union - of imaginary Johnny Depps, that is. The Union of Imaginary Johnny Depps - UIJD for short. They are residing at 313 Cute Street, Vickisburg. You know, just around the corner from Meeps´ hen house. The yellow house with the green tiled roof ... There is always some imaginary characters hanging out there. Exchanging stories and experiences and that kind of things. And some of them have even been made redundant - is out of work ... Sometimes people literally worship that there crazy American actor. Johnny Depp, I mean ... And then - all of a sudden - they sort of "fall out of love" ... - just as passionately as they adored him before ... Without sense or reason. And there the fictive character stands and don´t know what to do with himself. You could talk with some of those imaginary Johnny´s and then perhaps give one of them a home ... Perhaps - eh - if you want ..."
"Hmm" Tussy mused "Yes, but wouldn´t he - that there already imagined Johnny ... Wouldn't he have all the problems and hang-ups and what do I know of the person who imagined him up in the first place?" she asked.
"Perhaps - a little - but he would still be Johnny" I said. But then smiled "What was the other solution, baby?"
Johnny cleared his throat. Eager to get on with his ideas before we started gushing over how sweet such a Johnny really can be.
But also nervous for what we would think of his next idea. Still he went on "Well - Meepsie here has actually written a user manual for making an imaginary Johnny all of your own. You could buy that - at the Union ... for two bucks. And make your very own ... Even make another figure all together if you don´t want the guy to be exactly as Depp"
"Or I could tell her now - for free - how to do so. She did save our lives back there, sweetie" I said. And my sweetie nodded with a big beautiful smile and took a soundly sleeping Yasmina over on his lap before she fell off the chair.
"Let me see ..." I started ""How To Make A Johnny" ... O.K. basically you just do as follows" I said and took a deep breath.
"# 1. You see as many Johnny Depp-movies you can get your hands on. Read as much stuff about him as you can and look very closely at as many pictures you can lick - eh, find. For the last two things I will of course recommend www.johnnydeppfan.com - and www.johnnydepp-zone.com but you already go there every time you have the opportunity, so that is a given. # 2. You then make a list of what you love about Johnny. And what you don´t love so much - if there is anything of that nature ... Just to be sure to get him exactly to your liking"
"# 3. Then you present arms !!! That is - spread out your loving arms and said in a very gentle sweet tone of voice "Johnny? Honey ... Will you please come here?" Or something to that effect. If you want the moody rebel ... I will suggest something like "Will you immediately get your little sweet tight ass in here this minute!?!" He will rebel against that - but also be curious enough to come -o* ... and if he - in answer to either invitation - just pokes his head around the door frame and say "What, Tussy - can´t it wait a minute, darling? I am just making a bomb with Hunter S. Thompson ..." you have to be firm and say "No, baby! I want you in here before you blow yourself - or any friend, you love - to smithereens"
Here Johnny giggled shyly and Tussy roared with laughter.
But whether or not you found it funny - could we stop here and go on tomorrow? I have a big production number to stage before tomorrow. A lot of people to get dressed and such ...
And trees ...
Oh, don´t mention trees to me. I am sure Tim Burton will agree with me that they are SO DUMB !! Very, very beautiful to look at, but dumb ...
Once an oak tree told me she was quite sure she would look much, much better in palm fronds ... Younger and more vivacious ...
And then there was that there bush who wanted star treatment because she was absolutely sure she was related to the Bush-family in Washington. Really ...
So see you tomorrow, folks *o* ? So long *O*

* PUSSILAINIOUS: A little invention of my own. Very talkative magical "cats" With kind of monkey´s paws - fingers and toes for grasping things with - instead of ordinary cat´s paws. But they have retractable claws like a cat too.
Gets very miffed and pouts if you called them a pussycat - unless you are my Johnny, that is - him they all love *o* But they are in many ways as sweet and cuddly as cats can be when the mood takes them so the misunderstanding is natural.

Oh - and here's TUSSY´S "PROBLEM" IN PARIS